


would you love me more?

by DesertLily



Series: Whumptober 2020 [5]
Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Artist Grantaire, Depression, Drinking, Gen, Grantaire & Jean Prouvaire Friendship, Grantaire Angst, Grantaire needs a hug and Jehan is willing to provide it, Grantaire-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecurity, Light Angst, Modern Era, Non-Binary Jean Prouvaire, Sad Grantaire, Self-Esteem Issues, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, self-deprication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26827888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertLily/pseuds/DesertLily
Summary: Grantaire had never loved himself. He doubted he ever would. However, that never stopped those around him expressing just how much he meant to them.
Relationships: Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Grantaire & Jean Prouvaire
Series: Whumptober 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946296
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	would you love me more?

**Author's Note:**

> It's sure been a while since I wrote a Les Mis fic, huh? It features R and Jehan and no one is surprised. For the 'insecurity' prompt for Whumptober!

Etienne Grantaire saw himself as a mistake. No matter what he did, he scolded himself for not trying harder. He told himself that there were hundreds of different ways he could have done it better. He could be more polite. He could put more effort into his appearance. He could drink less. The list was endless. Like many artists, he remained his worst critic. WHilst he may have hated himself, he hated his work more. Because he  _ knew _ how his sketches and paintings were supposed to look like. And the results never matched those images. Regardless of what anyone else told him or how much his friends insisted he was talented, it was never enough. It would  _ never _ be enough. R was never unashamed of his work. 

Deep down, he knew he was spiralling. It wouldn’t be the first time either. Grantaire’s mental health had never been grand. He had never been the best at looking after himself. It was what had originally driven him to alcohol. For a long time, the bottom of a bottle had been his coping mechanism; it had been his way of becoming numb to his emotions and the world. That was, of course, until the intervention. The debatable downside of sharing a flat with Jehan Prouvaire was that they were always there to call him out on his bullshit. And they had. Multiple times. But they had also gotten him help, sticking by him every step of the way. 

R had gotten better. For a while. He became more prolific with his art - actually going out of his way to promote himself and hosting his first art show! He’d finally gotten the courage to ask out Enjolras and for whatever reason, the man had agreed. They were good together. As much as they were each other’s foil, they were the holder of each other’s hearts. Grantaire treasured every kiss and every moment he spent with Enjolras in his arms. It was  _ perfect _ . He’d even taken up boxing with Bahorel; a more healthy way of taking out his emotions rather than taking them out on himself!  _ He was happy _ . He was okay. 

Then it started up again. It was nothing at first. Just an uneasy feeling in his stomach that never quite wanted to get away. But the uneasiness grew and grew until it consumed him entirely. Suddenly thoughts he had no right thinking began to fill his mind. Enjolras was only dating him because he pitied him. After all, why would someone that great waste time on Grantaire? Especially when he had so, so many other options.  _ It made no sense! _ Why would anyone like him? He was a pessimist! All he did was bring people down. He was just an inconvenience in the life of those that meant the most to him. 

So Grantaire began to isolate himself. He gave up boxing, citing disinterest as the reason. Then he began to go out less and less, always finding a reason to stay behind. He was tired or he had a commission he needed to finish or  _ something _ . He even began to distance himself from Enjolras. R tried to make himself seem disinterested or colder in the hopes that it would be enough to convince the man to leave him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough to drive him away. And the one person he could never avoid was Jehan. That was the downside of having a flatmate; you could never really avoid them. And Jean Prouvaire most certainly wasn’t one for being ignored - particularly as they had an excessive need for physical affection. 

Jehan was lying sprawled across Grantaire and writing poetry when they brought up their concerns. R himself had been working on a sketch of his friend, frowning as he did. Something about it just seemed...off. It didn’t capture the strange essence that seemed to surround Jehan. “...You know you can talk to me, right?” Their words instantly caught his attention. “Like, if something was wrong then you know I’m always here for you.” 

Grantaire’s breathing hitched slightly. “I-I know, Je. You’re a good friend. Probably one of my best friends, actually.” They let out a pleased sound at that. For a brief moment, the smallest hint of a smile crossed R’s face but it was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. “I’ve just not really been feeling myself recently. It’s nothing worth worrying about…” 

“No.” Grantaire blinked as Jehan sat up, moving closer to him. They cupped his face in their hands. “You don’t get to pull this shit. Not with me, alright? Neither...neither of us are exactly the epitome of good mental health but I’m not going to let you wallow.” Their voice was nothing but serious. “I won’t let you end up like before. So talk to me. Please.” 

For whatever reason, their words were exactly what he’d needed to hear. Every emotion Grantaire had been holding back came tumbling from his lips. “...I’m a piece of shit. An absolutely worthless piece of shit. Everyone around me is so great and so talented and how the hell am I meant to compete? Your poetry could put Byron and Keats to shame and here I am with my...my shitty art that isn’t even worth a second glance!” The only thing stopping him from screwing up his sketch in frustration was Jehan grabbing his hands. “I’m...nothing. No one in the grand scheme of things! Just a talentless wannabe that will be easily forgotten.” 

“Etienne Grantaire! You are the least forgettable person I have ever met!” More and more concern flooded Jehan’s voice. “You are phenomenal! I have never met an artist even half as talented as you are. You bring every sketch and painting to life in a way that always leaves everyone in awe!” They rested their forehead against his. “You are funny and kind and my life is so deeply improved by knowing you. Everyone’s life is. There’s a reason Enjolras loves you so much, and it’s because you are so much more than you’ve ever given yourself credit for.” 

He wrapped his arms around them tightly, holding them close with the irrational fear they would abandon him. After all, his mind was still screaming at him that everyone would eventually; that they would all get sick of him. But just for now, Jehan’s words broke through. They were sincere and he wasn’t sure how to handle them. “...I-I don’t deserve you as a friend.” He whispered. “I-I love you, Jehan.” They always gave R the support none of his biological family ever had. His friends were his family and Jehan was as good as his younger sibling. 

“Yes, you do.” They whispered, gladly returning his hug. “You deserve so, so many good things, Grantaire. I love you too. We all do. You are so loved and so adored. I-I promise we’re going to find a way to show you that. We’re going to find a way to help you.” Jehan promised, moving to wipe away his tears. In all honesty, R hadn’t realised he was crying. “Now, with your permission, I’m going to put a message in the group chat inviting everyone over for a film night. It’s going to have a special theme - one I think Enj in particular is going to like; hugging Grantaire and making him feel cared about.” 

He managed a quiet laugh. “You, Jehan Prouvaire, are ridiculous. But that...that sounds like it could be nice.”

For better or for worse, Grantaire found himself believing them. His depression wasn’t something that would go away overnight but this? This was a start. The road to recovery was never easy but R had support. He had people who loved him. No matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Or hmu @ desert-lily on tumblr!


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